“You’re a fake and a liar!” I screamed, tears streaming down my face, as I pushed my Bible onto the floor. “I’ve followed you for 15 years. I’ve trusted You, believed in You, loved You. Why are you doing this to me?”
I had the perfect family and a great teaching career. I attended church every week and taught my kids the Bible. But inside, my heart was empty. Over two decades of struggling with depression had left me exhausted and hopeless. So, on that evening in 2004 as my family slept, I wrestled with God.
I sobbed, imagining my life without God. How would my kids react if I just stopped going to church? Would my husband continue to go or would he walk away from his faith as well? I pondered the meaninglessness of life as tears ran down my cheeks. What was the point if there is no God? Why even try?
As my thoughts and tears subsided, God gently spoke His word to my heart. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
I read the words of Jeremiah 29:11-13 time and time again. I desperately wanted to believe them, but couldn’t see the truth of them through the darkness of my depression.
God reminded me He had never left me nor forsaken me.
I fell to my knees, picking up my Bible and hugging it to my chest. I promised Him I would believe every bit of His word if He would take my life and make it His. After following Him for 15 years I finally realized my life was worthless without Him.
Thus began my journey of truly believing and taking steps of faith. Writing inspirational novels, sharing my testimony, leading and writing Bible studies, writing multigenerational devotionals, speaking at events and retreats…every step takes me further out of my comfort zone and deeper into the will of Christ. On my own I’m just a shy girl completely uncertain of myself, but when I surrender to God’s will and allow His spirit to work in and through me, amazing things happen.
When you wrestle with God, you are never the same. God marks you in some way as he did Jacob. There’s a cross-shaped scar in my heart that reminds me my life is not my own. So, I love my husband, teach my children, pour His Word into my head and heart so it will flow into my writing, my speaking, my life. My heart hurts for the Christian who is content with just getting by. I ache for the believer who wonders when true joy will finally come. I was that woman for too many years, settling for moments of happiness rather than a life of joy. I lived for mountain top experiences rather than seeking to experience God daily. It wasn’t until I let go of my life that I found true joy in Christ. Life isn’t perfect, struggles and pain still arise, but Jesus is by my side. The victory is His. I’m just along to witness His glory.
Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”
So, come into my world and look around. You’ll find a blog filled with struggles turned into successes as God’s truth overcomes Satan’s lies. You’ll find books that inspire, events that bring people into a deeper fellowship with God and each other. I would love to minister to your group or church and if you are struggling, send me a message through the contact section so I can pray for you.
My heart’s desire is for God to use my writing, my speaking, my life to bring others into a deeper faith in Him.
My life? Not impressive at all. But my God will astonish you. Come, take a look at all He has done and dare to believe He wants to be glorified in your life as well.